A letter to my parents

Dear Douglas and Robin

I have decided that enough is enough. I have decided that I am no longer going to be continuing along this path, it is not good for me. It is not good for me, and I will explain to you why.

Before I start, you are right about one thing-I lie to you. and lying is wrong, and I apologize. I lie to you about where I am because I don’t want you to know where I am, and it isn’t really your business to know. I am 24 years old. I have my own life, and I am no longer going to sit idly by as you yell and scream at me (and I react like a 6 year old about it). I am extricating myself.

You say you want to know who I am?
You don’t know who I am not because I lie to you, but because you don’t listen to who I actually am. You want me to be who you are, and that makes you comfortable, it is not about me being who I am. Who I am threatens you, and your ideas of things and who you want me to be. If I am who you want me to be, then to you it means that you have succeeded and saved me from my childhood. Living here is detrimental to me.

You think that knowing what happens to me day to day is any kind of judgement of my character? You think that controlling me and getting me to tell you the details of my day is bonding? To know who I am you would need to ask me about my THOUGHTS, my emotions, my interests. The closest I have ever felt to either one of you was a conversation I had with robin about graffiti. That was the only time I can remember we had a bonding experience, where real interest was involved.
Out of necessity and habit I’ve adopted this internalizing method of coping with an aggressive figure who scares me. time has passed and this method is no longer helpful to me. It served a purpose at one point, but not now. So I am moving on.

Our value systems are different, and that causes a great rift between us. The thought that we may never have a relationship is depressing to say the least, but it might be true. You two and I are two completely different kinds of people, and we cannot come to any form of agreement. There is an expectation of what a perfect daughter is that I will never be, that you continuously try and pin on me, and it is no longer going to work. No longer am I going to have to hide who i am from you, because I am going to leave. And I am going to figure myself out, without your help, for real this time. I’ve been feeling like I am crazy, and I walk out of the door and realize it is this house that makes me crazy.

The only reason I came home was so that Douglas would pay for school, and as much as I said to myself it will be good to get back into the house and work on the relationship, that’s not the case, because at the end of the day, originally, the choice was made that I could either go to grad school, or live on my own. I deserve to go to grad school, and you know that, but I would rather have my freedom and sanity than grad school. I will get this job on Monday, and I will take out a student loan when I have enough money saved, and I will go myself. Depending on you is not going to work any longer, and there is no excuse why it took this long, and it is time for me to grow up. And the saddest part is the fact that you know that I know that the only reason I am home is for money and the fact that you know it and use it against me is in my opinion, more pathetic than me lying to you about everything.

You’ve been yelling at me for years and the only thing that’s its done is make me retreat more. You want to know who I am? This is who I am-when I get yelled at, I retreat. I am not retreating now, I am going to improve myself, without you.
And also, if you compare me one more time to Justin, I’m going to scream. Don’t you dare tell me who you think I am, you don’t know anything about me! You tell me things where the only possible end is that I will feel bad about myself. There is no redeeming values in the statement- you are like your damaged brother.

I shouldn’t have to explain who I am to you, because it is up to me, and I’m still figuring that out, which is what I am supposed to be doing.

Maybe your gift to me is that you are forcing me to go and get what I want to get done, done on my own, because there is no reasoning with you unless its your way, and I am liberating myself from that paradigm.

i love you so so so so so very much, dont ever think i dont.
i have the utmost respect for both of you,
but i must go.
and i am sorry for not giving this to you in person, but i can’t risk getting talked out of this. this is one of the hardest decisions i have had to make in my life.
but i am proud of myself.

Megan

Writing Exercise 12.

It was not injured vanity that prompted me to do so rather the need to avenge the residues of him left within me.
The anger he had rooted within my mind, my reflexes, tainted my perception of every one around me.
The worst of her could not battle the worst of him, and I was left with the worst of both.
Mother, weak and docile. Mother chose him, letting me absorb the anxieties she submitted herself to. Mother cried, often, for I wasn’t what she wanted me to be.
Father hated himself, and most of me. Father’s deaf ears made him unaware of how loud his voice resonated within my rib cage. Confined sound, within a hallow structure of soft ivory reflecting echoes onto echoes.
Within my mind, I shaped the alternative to reality. The extensions of my dreams coated the voices that hit my bones, foaming over waves of sound.

Forever

Thanks Rosalie!

THE LOVE OF IVY

Whore.

she was a whore
she knew i knew
her smile hid nothing
my smile too.
we chatted a bit
drank more
she asked for a puff of my cigerette
i hesitated
she was a whore
i passed it too her
watched her cocksucking lips
wrap gently and lovingly around the filter
the head flared and grew red as
she inhaled deeply, never breaking
eye contact she exhaled and passed it back to
me
i hesitated
she was a whore
i looked at the lipstick stained cigerette
and thought about all the dicks throbbing
and gliding in and out of her mouth.
i thought about all the men that had used her
all the men that had held her in their hearts until they came
and threw her out covered in their guilt and anger.
i looked at her as i exhaled a cloud of blue poison
and felt
for a moment that i wouldnt die alone

by D.S.

Lightning Thunder

By L.T.

Forgotten Letter

January 15th

I regret that I needed to be fucked up in order to open up to you on the phone last night. I hate it because everything is so honest when I”m with you and there was no reason for me to be scared.
Every thought piles up when I write to you. Although, I am sure of what insnt real, I remain clueless about what is.
The relationships I add into my life make no sense, for the most part. They are too often unreliable, fictional, most of them have no debt.
My obsessive need to analyse myself through others makes most people become characters in my life rather than active members of it.
In that sense, I am a terrible person: selfobsessed, asorbed and inconciderate. It probably explains why I am constently in doubt of the presence of those around me.
With you, I do not need to distanciate myself constantly, your presence confims mine in the most beautiful way. I can rely on you, and breathe.
You make me feel worthy of my conciousness, and you trigger the best parts of my mind.
Im constently trying to remind myself that I should be patient and that the strange place I am in right now, this relationship I am keeping alive, is not holding me back, but perhaps teaching me things about myself that I would never risk loosing you over.
All I want to do, is run into your arms,
See you Thursday,
M.

working at work. working on it.

Hassid-hi
15:10Gramtastic-Better day?
15:11Hassid-nope
15:11Gramtastic-Really? Damn! At mom&dads?
15:15Hassid-no. work. fucked up my neck
15:15Gramtastic-Ow. How?
15:17Hassid-watched a documentary slouching
15:18Gramtastic-Lol
15:18Hassid-now i look crippled!
15:18Gramtastic-Posture woman! Lol. I have a degree in massotherspy…..
15:19Hassid-shutup
15:19Gramtastic-Let me know if u need help working it out
15:20Hassid-im in so much pain
15:20Gramtastic-I have a few degrees no one knows about
15:20Hassid-such as?
15:20Gramtastic-A Bach in child psyc. A bartending licence. Massotherapy. And 2 degrees in cooking. I am trained in about 6 other fields as well
15:23Hassid-such as
15:23Gramtastic-Worked in printing shops running presses….Leather maufacturing. Construction. Renovations
15:24Hassid-youve lived!
15:24Gramtastic-28yrs of martial arts. I have
15:25Gramtastic-Not done yet. Not by a long shot. I am also very good with fasion and interior decorating
*fassion
15:27Hassid-oh. as in cutting and sewing? sketching? pattern making?
15:28Gramtastic-Just a good eye. I know what looks good. Not like most people on the plateau who think skinny jeans r sexy on a guy
15:29Hassid-some guys do look good in skinnies
15:29Gramtastic-Maybe some…..but most dont. I know I dont
15:33Hassid-its the same as saying not every girl looks good in skinny jeans
15:33Gramtastic-I shaved my head
True
All I’m sayin is way too many people wear things that they rally shouldnt
15:34Hassid-me too!
15:34Gramtastic-The whole head. Bald?
15:36Hassid-except for a mohawk
15:37Gramtastic-Can’t wait to see. Hot!
15:37Hassid-a tangerine mohawk. and fuschia eyebrows
15:38Gramtastic-Nice
15:39Hassid-and a pirate ship tattoo on me chest
15:39Gramtastic-Nice. I can’t afford tats…..I send all extra cash to my kids
15:41Hassid-same. thats why i train lions on the side. extra cizash
15:41Gramtastic-What?! Lions? !
U serious
?
15:47Gramtastic
Hello?
15:48Gramtastic is offline.

Not So Pretty

Thanks Rosalie!

sad. and ouch

hi j
im going crazy.
i am really believing r now. that i am just as messed up as j was. because when it comes to my family, i just cant connect to them. i dont like being the one left out, and i dont like hurting them, but i continuously do that. i am incredibly selfish with them, and i am aware, and yet i still have not changed for them. they are upset that they dont know me and that i hide things from them, and i do talk to them but i definately do not open up to them, and it hurts me. it hurts me to realize that i may never be close with them, that they may die and i will have nothing to really mourn, other than the lack of our relationship, and the wasted years i spent complaining. i know they are tough and that i should tough it out, but really my defense mechanism is to just get ridiculously nervous, eat all of the skin off of my finger tips, pick at my lips, overeat, and avoid them, because i have worked myself into such a frenzy that there is just no point in facing them.
and the worst part is that they dont understand me.
what if i am incapable of connecting with them?
what if i am incapable of being “with it/in reality” like they are
why cant i just fit in, suck it up and fucking be part of their family? why do i ostrisize myself?
and best of all, why does this continuously happen and i never work it out?
r wont even talk to me now unless l comes over to mediate us because all i do is apologize and not change, and regurgitate what people tell me.
but they have a point, and i am sure so do i (otherwise i would not still be acting the same way, right?)
r told l that maybe i dont connect action with consequence like my brother because of my childhood, and that makes sense to me, because back then it was survive on your own or get beaten up by mummy.
i told them from the beginning that forcing me to come home would be a bad idea because i would feel forced against my will, which is the reality of the situation, and as much as i told myself i was okay with it because it would give me a chance to finally be a part of the family, i still felt the opposite of free. i have to answer to them. i have to hide whatever my relationship is with i, from them. and it sucks. this sucks. i hate avoiding and dissapointing them, but i do it anyhow. i feel so different and detached from them, and i dont know what to do.
m